29 October, 2008
19 August, 2008
Life Emulating Art
Back in the mid-1970’s when I was in my late 20’s, I took several creative writing classes while attending university.
Back then, Dr. Ingersoll stressed again and again, the importance of creating tension either between characters or between the circumstances and the characters. I went along with the program—I wanted the grade, after all—but I wasn’t a true believer. After all, weren’t there plenty of times when tension wasn’t present in peoples’ lives?
Well, ok, I was aware that MY life had, by and large, been pretty angst-filled—but, surely, that wasn’t the norm, was it? Well? WAS IT?
During the months I've endured over the past few days, I’ve been thinking more and more about Dr. Ingersoll. Maybe he knew his onions, after all.
xxx
First, I was thanking my lucky stars.
I had ordered hurricane shutters back in May, or so. The company kind of dragged its feet until I phoned em and started LEANING on them to get with the program here! Hurricane season was well underway [in late June] and I WANTED MY SHUTTERS, GOLDANG IT!
OK, they got here with the shutters—and the windows had been measured wrong by the sales agent. So, the installers hauled about half of em back to the factory and recut/redrilled new ones. They came back and got em installed quickly, once they actually, you know, FIT the windows they’d been custom-cut for.
Hurdle # 1 cleared.
xxx
When I’d ordered em, most of them were set to be cut and hung vertically. There were 2 exceptions because I wanted fire-access. So, 2 windows-worth were hung horizontally so the bottom halves of those windows could be left open for easy [well, EASIER, anyway] exit in case of fire.
Most of the shutters are left up permanently—so, Sunday afternoon saw me out hanging those bottom halves. A simple enough job, you’d think. Drag out the ladder, hang the shutters on the bolts installed around the windows, tighten the thumb-screws, dust off your hands and you’re done, right?
Wrong.
It turns out, the installers hadn’t drilled the holes on one of the panels. They had, oh so thoughtfully, marked which window it was supposed to fit. They’d even marked where the holes were SUPPOSED to be. Of course, I hadn’t noticed the absence of the actual holes till it’s twin was already installed. So, just to be certain, I took down the panel I had hung, fit it to it’s twin and yes, the holes and the dots lined up. So, I went in search of my drill bits—and didn’t find one big enough to fit the bolt that had to go through the holes I would be drilling.
While drilling, repositioning the drill and drilling another hole, then repositioning AGAIN and drilling a hole between the 2 and kind of sawing the drill-bit in a circular motion, I thought about Dr. Ingersoll again.
Finally, the holes were large enough and with much grunting and tugging and slapping the panel into position, it was where it was supposed to be. NOW, I could thread the nuts onto the bolts and put away the ladder.
Oh, and of course, all this was happening when the weather here on the coast where humidity is generally low and there is ALWAYS a breeze which makes the weather SO much more pleasant than it was back in Missouri in August was feeling downright midwestern. Yesterday saw temps and humidity both hovering in the century range. And those shore breezes were but a pleasant memory as the storm closed in. I guess Fay was hogging all winds for herself and leaving nothing for the rest of us.
Still, Hurdle # 2 cleared.
xxx
Then, this morning, I pulled out my hurricane kit and took stock of my supplies. First aid kit: check. No-cook food: check. Flashlights: check. Batteries: check. Radio that doesn’t need AC current: ruh-roh.
I THOUGHT I had a useful radio—I really did. But, when I unpacked it I quickly discovered that, in order to listen to it I have to crank it continuously. And the crank is noisy.
Just try to listen to the radio and actually get some useful information in that situation. I noticed that my bedside clock radio had a battery compartment. So, it was off to Target this afternoon. I picked up several 9 volt batteries, brought em home and installed one. I unplugged the radio and tried to listen to it. Nope. It turns out, the only thing the battery is good for is keeping track of the time so that, AFTER POWER IS RESTORED, it knows what time it is and you don’t have to reset the clock. But as for either listening to the radio or being able to tell the time while the power is out, forget it.
I phoned a friend across the street. SHE has been here for years and years and has several battery-powered radios and a battery powered tv. So, she lent me one of her radios. Once more, saved by the skin of my teeth. And, again, I thought about Dr. Ingersol.
xxx
Then, finally [so far], I heard that sometime tonight, the rains are due to begin. So, I went out to close the accordion shutters over my glass doors. And discovered that they had been installed BACKWARD.
One half of my glass door opens and the other half is immobile. And the two sections of the accordion don’t meet in the middle. They meet in the middle of one side where, theoretically, the homeowner can shut them and easily reach the locking mechanism. Only, the installers installed em so that the closure is positioned over the IMMOVABLE side of the door.
I can look through the glass at it and it's the prettiest little lock you ever did see. It looks very efficient and I'm sure it would do a bang-up job of securing the two sections of doors. Only, I can’t actually, you know, REACH the lock over there beyond the pane of glass that can’t be moved.
After struggling with it in vain and finally just giving up, I came in and placed a very nasty phone call to the company that sold me these perfectly good shutters [except for the fact that I had to drill the holes in one of em myself and now, I couldn’t lock the section that is positioned over my MOST VULNERABLE window of all—the one that is 7 feet tall by 8 feet wide. Gee, thanks, Shutter Co.]
Of course, it’s now after 10 PM—so the most I could do was leave the company a nasty message which won’t be received till after the storm has passed.
[After all, the company's employees live in Florida, too. They're going to be securing their homes or hunkered down listening to THEIR radios tomorrow--not in the office listening to messages from irate customers.]
So, after I vented my spleen at the Shutter Company’s answering machine I stopped and thought the problem through. And, I had an idea.
That's a dangerous practice, I know. But, I'm used to working without a net.
I went hunting for that ladder I’d used yesterday to hang the shutter panels. And I couldn't find it. I opened the shed, couldn’t see my hand in front of my face, came inside and couldn’t find the flashlight I wanted. I located another one, went back outside, shined the flashlight around inside the shed and—the ladder wasn’t there.
I came back inside and hunted around and found the ladder and, sure enough, [**whew!** FINALLY SOMETHING WENT RIGHT!] the bungee cords WERE where I thought they were! They were wrapped around two tubes of the ladder. So, I went outside and rigged two bungee cords across the accordion doors to, hopefully, hold them closed.
BUT, the fact remains, they ARE outside and Fay IS coming. How long will it take her to TWANGGGGG those cords and send them flying, throw open the accordion doors and slam part of my neighbors' roof against my door and take it out? Probably a lot less time than it would take me to sue that company for installing the doors backward.
I think I’d better go think up a better way to seal that door. And here it is, coming up on 2:00 AM. Fay has made landfall and is headed my way. I think I’d better get busy.
xxx
Meanwhile, I just heard that Fay is starting to get more ‘organized’—which means this Tropical Storm could, yet, turn into a hurricane.
It’s starting to spawn tornadoes [and Florida doesn’t know the meaning of the word, ‘basement.’ An oversight I’m sure it has regretted in the past—and will again.]
Now the latest forecast is suggesting it’s starting to zig-zag. So, it could head back west again—toward Clearwater.
OK, Dr. Ingersoll, you were right. I was wrong. Are you happy, now?
***
Postscript:
I DID rethink and reroute those bungee cords INSIDE the accordion doors. I'm far from certain they will hold the doors shut when Fay hits, of course, but I think they may stand a better chance.
And, I am not, by nature, a litigious person. But, if those doors spring open and my glass doors get shattered and all the stuff stored in my Florida room gets flooded and or ruined or blown out and damages my neighbors' homes or whatever---or the inner door gets shattered and and my house is destroyed because the installers didn't pay attention to what they were doing---they're gonna learn the definition of 'lawsuit' in a hurry. . . .
Meanwhile, I certainly hope the world doesn't continue to remind me of an adventure novel. I've had enough excitement for one month--over the last 2 days.
***
Postscript # 2:
After all that, Fay veered east and didn't come back. The next day I had to go outside to discover the fact that it had rained a little.
Yep, Dr. Ingersoll is totally and completely vindicated. Blast his eyes.
Back then, Dr. Ingersoll stressed again and again, the importance of creating tension either between characters or between the circumstances and the characters. I went along with the program—I wanted the grade, after all—but I wasn’t a true believer. After all, weren’t there plenty of times when tension wasn’t present in peoples’ lives?
Well, ok, I was aware that MY life had, by and large, been pretty angst-filled—but, surely, that wasn’t the norm, was it? Well? WAS IT?
During the months I've endured over the past few days, I’ve been thinking more and more about Dr. Ingersoll. Maybe he knew his onions, after all.
xxx
First, I was thanking my lucky stars.
I had ordered hurricane shutters back in May, or so. The company kind of dragged its feet until I phoned em and started LEANING on them to get with the program here! Hurricane season was well underway [in late June] and I WANTED MY SHUTTERS, GOLDANG IT!
OK, they got here with the shutters—and the windows had been measured wrong by the sales agent. So, the installers hauled about half of em back to the factory and recut/redrilled new ones. They came back and got em installed quickly, once they actually, you know, FIT the windows they’d been custom-cut for.
Hurdle # 1 cleared.
xxx
When I’d ordered em, most of them were set to be cut and hung vertically. There were 2 exceptions because I wanted fire-access. So, 2 windows-worth were hung horizontally so the bottom halves of those windows could be left open for easy [well, EASIER, anyway] exit in case of fire.
Most of the shutters are left up permanently—so, Sunday afternoon saw me out hanging those bottom halves. A simple enough job, you’d think. Drag out the ladder, hang the shutters on the bolts installed around the windows, tighten the thumb-screws, dust off your hands and you’re done, right?
Wrong.
It turns out, the installers hadn’t drilled the holes on one of the panels. They had, oh so thoughtfully, marked which window it was supposed to fit. They’d even marked where the holes were SUPPOSED to be. Of course, I hadn’t noticed the absence of the actual holes till it’s twin was already installed. So, just to be certain, I took down the panel I had hung, fit it to it’s twin and yes, the holes and the dots lined up. So, I went in search of my drill bits—and didn’t find one big enough to fit the bolt that had to go through the holes I would be drilling.
While drilling, repositioning the drill and drilling another hole, then repositioning AGAIN and drilling a hole between the 2 and kind of sawing the drill-bit in a circular motion, I thought about Dr. Ingersoll again.
Finally, the holes were large enough and with much grunting and tugging and slapping the panel into position, it was where it was supposed to be. NOW, I could thread the nuts onto the bolts and put away the ladder.
Oh, and of course, all this was happening when the weather here on the coast where humidity is generally low and there is ALWAYS a breeze which makes the weather SO much more pleasant than it was back in Missouri in August was feeling downright midwestern. Yesterday saw temps and humidity both hovering in the century range. And those shore breezes were but a pleasant memory as the storm closed in. I guess Fay was hogging all winds for herself and leaving nothing for the rest of us.
Still, Hurdle # 2 cleared.
xxx
Then, this morning, I pulled out my hurricane kit and took stock of my supplies. First aid kit: check. No-cook food: check. Flashlights: check. Batteries: check. Radio that doesn’t need AC current: ruh-roh.
I THOUGHT I had a useful radio—I really did. But, when I unpacked it I quickly discovered that, in order to listen to it I have to crank it continuously. And the crank is noisy.
Just try to listen to the radio and actually get some useful information in that situation. I noticed that my bedside clock radio had a battery compartment. So, it was off to Target this afternoon. I picked up several 9 volt batteries, brought em home and installed one. I unplugged the radio and tried to listen to it. Nope. It turns out, the only thing the battery is good for is keeping track of the time so that, AFTER POWER IS RESTORED, it knows what time it is and you don’t have to reset the clock. But as for either listening to the radio or being able to tell the time while the power is out, forget it.
I phoned a friend across the street. SHE has been here for years and years and has several battery-powered radios and a battery powered tv. So, she lent me one of her radios. Once more, saved by the skin of my teeth. And, again, I thought about Dr. Ingersol.
xxx
Then, finally [so far], I heard that sometime tonight, the rains are due to begin. So, I went out to close the accordion shutters over my glass doors. And discovered that they had been installed BACKWARD.
One half of my glass door opens and the other half is immobile. And the two sections of the accordion don’t meet in the middle. They meet in the middle of one side where, theoretically, the homeowner can shut them and easily reach the locking mechanism. Only, the installers installed em so that the closure is positioned over the IMMOVABLE side of the door.
I can look through the glass at it and it's the prettiest little lock you ever did see. It looks very efficient and I'm sure it would do a bang-up job of securing the two sections of doors. Only, I can’t actually, you know, REACH the lock over there beyond the pane of glass that can’t be moved.
After struggling with it in vain and finally just giving up, I came in and placed a very nasty phone call to the company that sold me these perfectly good shutters [except for the fact that I had to drill the holes in one of em myself and now, I couldn’t lock the section that is positioned over my MOST VULNERABLE window of all—the one that is 7 feet tall by 8 feet wide. Gee, thanks, Shutter Co.]
Of course, it’s now after 10 PM—so the most I could do was leave the company a nasty message which won’t be received till after the storm has passed.
[After all, the company's employees live in Florida, too. They're going to be securing their homes or hunkered down listening to THEIR radios tomorrow--not in the office listening to messages from irate customers.]
So, after I vented my spleen at the Shutter Company’s answering machine I stopped and thought the problem through. And, I had an idea.
That's a dangerous practice, I know. But, I'm used to working without a net.
I went hunting for that ladder I’d used yesterday to hang the shutter panels. And I couldn't find it. I opened the shed, couldn’t see my hand in front of my face, came inside and couldn’t find the flashlight I wanted. I located another one, went back outside, shined the flashlight around inside the shed and—the ladder wasn’t there.
I came back inside and hunted around and found the ladder and, sure enough, [**whew!** FINALLY SOMETHING WENT RIGHT!] the bungee cords WERE where I thought they were! They were wrapped around two tubes of the ladder. So, I went outside and rigged two bungee cords across the accordion doors to, hopefully, hold them closed.
BUT, the fact remains, they ARE outside and Fay IS coming. How long will it take her to TWANGGGGG those cords and send them flying, throw open the accordion doors and slam part of my neighbors' roof against my door and take it out? Probably a lot less time than it would take me to sue that company for installing the doors backward.
I think I’d better go think up a better way to seal that door. And here it is, coming up on 2:00 AM. Fay has made landfall and is headed my way. I think I’d better get busy.
xxx
Meanwhile, I just heard that Fay is starting to get more ‘organized’—which means this Tropical Storm could, yet, turn into a hurricane.
It’s starting to spawn tornadoes [and Florida doesn’t know the meaning of the word, ‘basement.’ An oversight I’m sure it has regretted in the past—and will again.]
Now the latest forecast is suggesting it’s starting to zig-zag. So, it could head back west again—toward Clearwater.
OK, Dr. Ingersoll, you were right. I was wrong. Are you happy, now?
***
Postscript:
I DID rethink and reroute those bungee cords INSIDE the accordion doors. I'm far from certain they will hold the doors shut when Fay hits, of course, but I think they may stand a better chance.
And, I am not, by nature, a litigious person. But, if those doors spring open and my glass doors get shattered and all the stuff stored in my Florida room gets flooded and or ruined or blown out and damages my neighbors' homes or whatever---or the inner door gets shattered and and my house is destroyed because the installers didn't pay attention to what they were doing---they're gonna learn the definition of 'lawsuit' in a hurry. . . .
Meanwhile, I certainly hope the world doesn't continue to remind me of an adventure novel. I've had enough excitement for one month--over the last 2 days.
***
Postscript # 2:
After all that, Fay veered east and didn't come back. The next day I had to go outside to discover the fact that it had rained a little.
Yep, Dr. Ingersoll is totally and completely vindicated. Blast his eyes.
18 August, 2008
Well, Fay is coming in for a landing tomorrow -- or Wednesday or Thursday -- who knows? They're calling the landfall 'uncertain' [as to time and place]. Gee, ya think???
Clearwater is smack in the middle of the zone-of-probability. So, whatever happens, I'll be out-of-pocket sometime in the next few days.
I've gotten my storm shutters up, brought in ALL my outdoor furniture [my Florida room looks like a junk sale (in fact, the whole house does)] and laid in a load of groceries that don't need to be cooked.
My home is a modular one even though it's in one of the infinite number of mobile home parks in Clearwater -- so it's pretty sturdy and I'm probably going to stay put.
Over and above my survival kit, I'm taking Jake-the-Cat, Molly and Huck [the computer twins] with me if I am-scray to higher ground. Hey! you wouldn't leave YOUR pets behind, would you?
Assuming I have a home after Thursday or so, I hope to be back up and running within a couple of weeks -- whenever power is restored.
If you don't hear from me by the end of August, please send any white light you can spare to the Clearwater, Florida region.
Thanx, two crows.
Clearwater is smack in the middle of the zone-of-probability. So, whatever happens, I'll be out-of-pocket sometime in the next few days.
I've gotten my storm shutters up, brought in ALL my outdoor furniture [my Florida room looks like a junk sale (in fact, the whole house does)] and laid in a load of groceries that don't need to be cooked.
My home is a modular one even though it's in one of the infinite number of mobile home parks in Clearwater -- so it's pretty sturdy and I'm probably going to stay put.
Over and above my survival kit, I'm taking Jake-the-Cat, Molly and Huck [the computer twins] with me if I am-scray to higher ground. Hey! you wouldn't leave YOUR pets behind, would you?
Assuming I have a home after Thursday or so, I hope to be back up and running within a couple of weeks -- whenever power is restored.
If you don't hear from me by the end of August, please send any white light you can spare to the Clearwater, Florida region.
Thanx, two crows.
18 July, 2008
12 July, 2008
06 July, 2008
Firmin
Book Review
Firmin by Sam Savage, illustrated by Michael Mikolowski, paperback, 162 pages, Coffee House Press, list price: $14.95
Firmin, the title character of Sam Savage's novel, is a real rat. I mean a real rat — the sort with four legs, a long tail and presumably a pinkish nose (the color isn't certain since the illustrations are in black and white). What sets Firmin apart from others of his clan is that Firmin is a reader. He devours books — both figuratively and literally.
Born in the basement of a book shop in Boston's Scollay Square in the 1960s, Firmin (the runt of the litter) discovers his passion early on when he is nourished not by his mother's milk (too many siblings jostling about ahead of him), but by the books he both gnaws on and reads. Beginning with a diet of Moby Dick and Don Quixote, Firmin naturally worries about finding his Destiny. A quick look in the mirror tells him that he'll never be as dapper and debonair as his hero Fred Astaire, and he'll never search for an elusive white whale or tilt at windmills. But surely, he thinks, there's something more to life than scrounging for food in a dilapidated movie theater:
Could it be that I, despite my unlikely appearance, have a Destiny? And by that I meant the sort of thing people have in stories, where the events of a life, no matter how they churn and swirl, are swirled and churned in the end into a kind of pattern … Lives in stories have direction and meaning. Even stupid and meaningless lives, like Lenny's in Of Mice and Men, acquire through their place in a story at least the dignity and meaning of being Stupid Meaningless Lives, the consolation of being exemplars of something. In real life you do not get even that. ...
xxx
This darkly comic homage to the power of imagination, the lure of books and the desire to live a life that means something speaks to all of us. And you'll never think about rats the same way.
Firmin by Sam Savage, illustrated by Michael Mikolowski, paperback, 162 pages, Coffee House Press, list price: $14.95
Firmin, the title character of Sam Savage's novel, is a real rat. I mean a real rat — the sort with four legs, a long tail and presumably a pinkish nose (the color isn't certain since the illustrations are in black and white). What sets Firmin apart from others of his clan is that Firmin is a reader. He devours books — both figuratively and literally.Born in the basement of a book shop in Boston's Scollay Square in the 1960s, Firmin (the runt of the litter) discovers his passion early on when he is nourished not by his mother's milk (too many siblings jostling about ahead of him), but by the books he both gnaws on and reads. Beginning with a diet of Moby Dick and Don Quixote, Firmin naturally worries about finding his Destiny. A quick look in the mirror tells him that he'll never be as dapper and debonair as his hero Fred Astaire, and he'll never search for an elusive white whale or tilt at windmills. But surely, he thinks, there's something more to life than scrounging for food in a dilapidated movie theater:
Could it be that I, despite my unlikely appearance, have a Destiny? And by that I meant the sort of thing people have in stories, where the events of a life, no matter how they churn and swirl, are swirled and churned in the end into a kind of pattern … Lives in stories have direction and meaning. Even stupid and meaningless lives, like Lenny's in Of Mice and Men, acquire through their place in a story at least the dignity and meaning of being Stupid Meaningless Lives, the consolation of being exemplars of something. In real life you do not get even that. ...
xxx
This darkly comic homage to the power of imagination, the lure of books and the desire to live a life that means something speaks to all of us. And you'll never think about rats the same way.
02 July, 2008
Previously
Previously by Allan Ahlberg, illustrated by Bruce Ingman, hardcover, 32 pages, Candlewick Press, list price: $16.99Allan Ahlberg's whimsical take on the world comes through clearly in all of his books for young children, but perhaps never more so than in Previously, where he teams up with artist Bruce Ingman to produce a charming concatenation of some familiar fairy tales. Beginning with Goldilocks arriving home after her adventure with the three bears, author and illustrator tell her story backward, so to speak, by describing what she had been doing "previously." The final "previously" has her walking in the woods, before coming upon the house of the three bears, where she bumped into Jack (of climbing the beanstalk fame).
As his story progresses backward, it turns out that he's the same Jack who tumbled down the hill with his sister Jill, and that the two of them had encountered the Frog Prince, who (before he was turned into a frog) had fallen in love with "a disappearing girl named … Cinderella," who had collided with the Gingerbread Man and his retinue, and so on and so on, until the very satisfying conclusion.
Reading this book aloud to 4- to 8-year-old children is a delight. Not only will they take great pleasure in repeating "previously" with you each time it appears (nearly 30 times) in the text, but they'll appreciate Ahlberg's word pictures — The Frog, "sitting on the window sill/with a sorrowful look in his eye/and a crown on his head"; or Goldilocks, who "had been humming a tune/and having a little skip by herself in the dark woods." Beginning with the deliberately childlike pencil drawings on the endpapers, Ingram's pictures offer a colorful and clever complement for Ahlberg's quirky text. Just take a look at the picture of the poor Frog Prince watching Jack and Jill arguing at the breakfast table, and you'll see what I mean.
30 June, 2008
29 June, 2008
The Ghost in Love
Book Review
The ghost was in love with a woman named German Landis. Just hearing that arresting,
peculiar name would have made the ghost's heart flutter if it had had one. She was coming over in less than an hour, so it was hurrying now to make everything ready. The ghost was a very good cook, sometimes a great one. If it'd spent more time at it or had more interest in the subject, it would have been exceptional.
From its large bed in a corner of the kitchen a mixed-breed, black-and-oatmeal-colored dog watched with great interest as the ghost prepared the meal. This mutt was the only reason that German Landis was coming here today. His name was Pilot, after a poem the woman loved about a Seeing Eye dog.
Suddenly sensing something, the ghost stopped what it was doing and eyeballed the dog. Peevishly, it demanded "What?"
Pilot shook his head. "Nothing. I was only watching you work."
"Liar. That is not the only thing. I know what you were thinking: that I'm an idiot to be doing this."
Embarrassed, the dog turned away and began furiously biting one of its rear paws.
"Don't do that. Look at me. You think I'm nuts, don't you?"
Pilot said nothing and kept biting his foot.
"Don't you?"
"Yes, I think you're nuts, but I also think it's very sweet. I only wish she could see what you're doing for her."
Resigned, the ghost shrugged and sighed. "It helps when I cook. When my mind is focused, I don't get so frustrated."
"I understand."
"No, you do not. How could you? You're only a dog."
The dog rolled his eyes. "Idiot."
"Quadruped."
They had a cordial relationship. Like Icelandic or Finnish, "Dog" is spoken by very few. Only dogs and dead people understand the language. When Pilot wanted to talk, he either had to get in a quick chat with whatever canine he happened to meet on the street when he was taken out for a walk three times a day, or he spoke with this ghost—who, by attrition, knew more about Pilot now than any dog had ever known. There aren't that many human ghosts in the land of the living so this one was equally happy for the dog's company.
Pilot asked, "I kept meaning to ask: Where did you get your name?"
The cook purposely ignored the dog's question and continued preparing the meal. When it needed an ingredient, it closed its eyes and held out an open hand. A moment later the thing materialized in the middle of its palm: a jungle-green lime, a small pile of red cayenne pepper, or a particularly rare saffron from Sri Lanks. Pilot watched, absorbed, never tiring of this amazing feat.
"What if you imagined an elephant? Would it appear in your hand too?"
Dicing onions now almost faster than the eye could see, the ghost grinned. "If I had a big enough hand, yes."
The ghost was in love with a woman named German Landis. Just hearing that arresting,
peculiar name would have made the ghost's heart flutter if it had had one. She was coming over in less than an hour, so it was hurrying now to make everything ready. The ghost was a very good cook, sometimes a great one. If it'd spent more time at it or had more interest in the subject, it would have been exceptional.From its large bed in a corner of the kitchen a mixed-breed, black-and-oatmeal-colored dog watched with great interest as the ghost prepared the meal. This mutt was the only reason that German Landis was coming here today. His name was Pilot, after a poem the woman loved about a Seeing Eye dog.
Suddenly sensing something, the ghost stopped what it was doing and eyeballed the dog. Peevishly, it demanded "What?"
Pilot shook his head. "Nothing. I was only watching you work."
"Liar. That is not the only thing. I know what you were thinking: that I'm an idiot to be doing this."
Embarrassed, the dog turned away and began furiously biting one of its rear paws.
"Don't do that. Look at me. You think I'm nuts, don't you?"
Pilot said nothing and kept biting his foot.
"Don't you?"
"Yes, I think you're nuts, but I also think it's very sweet. I only wish she could see what you're doing for her."
Resigned, the ghost shrugged and sighed. "It helps when I cook. When my mind is focused, I don't get so frustrated."
"I understand."
"No, you do not. How could you? You're only a dog."
The dog rolled his eyes. "Idiot."
"Quadruped."
They had a cordial relationship. Like Icelandic or Finnish, "Dog" is spoken by very few. Only dogs and dead people understand the language. When Pilot wanted to talk, he either had to get in a quick chat with whatever canine he happened to meet on the street when he was taken out for a walk three times a day, or he spoke with this ghost—who, by attrition, knew more about Pilot now than any dog had ever known. There aren't that many human ghosts in the land of the living so this one was equally happy for the dog's company.
Pilot asked, "I kept meaning to ask: Where did you get your name?"
The cook purposely ignored the dog's question and continued preparing the meal. When it needed an ingredient, it closed its eyes and held out an open hand. A moment later the thing materialized in the middle of its palm: a jungle-green lime, a small pile of red cayenne pepper, or a particularly rare saffron from Sri Lanks. Pilot watched, absorbed, never tiring of this amazing feat.
"What if you imagined an elephant? Would it appear in your hand too?"
Dicing onions now almost faster than the eye could see, the ghost grinned. "If I had a big enough hand, yes."
26 June, 2008
25 June, 2008
Hey, folks--
A major change just happened in my life which may well result in fewer posts being put up here than was previously the case:
For the last six months or longer I've been approaching one after another person in my community asking for help with some major projects I'm undertaking in my new home. Several people said things like, 'Oh, sure, I'll help you, as soon as ______ [fill in the blank].'
I think we all know what THAT means, right?
A couple of weeks ago, I was reduced to going through the yellow pages and phoning handy-men for estimates. When one quoted me the price of $800.00 to wallpaper 2 walls [that's WALLS, mind you, not ROOMS], I again started talking to people in my neighborhood.
So, last week, when a friend of a friend actually set a date to begin, I held my breath and SHE ACTUALLY FOLLOWED THROUGH! :)
The resulting mural in my living room is stunningly beautiful if I do say so.
She has agreed to help me with several other projects, as well. Another mural, for instance, building a loft-bed-with-closet- underneath [and a staircase for getting into bed], the frame for the air-chair I brought with me [that is still in its box], constructing and filling a 2nd shed, converting the first shed into a workshop, and some major landscaping. You get the picture.
So, posts are likely to be thin on the ground for a while.
I hope to keep at least one blog fairly functional even while all these plates are in the air and—most likely—that one will be All that Is.
So, please do drop by http://the-turtles-back.blogspot.com/ and visit Mary Ellen of The Divine Democrat [who is co-hosting] and me.
I imagine if something absolutely outrageous occurs in Washington [and how likely is THAT to happen?] I'll put in an appearance at Preserve, Protect and Defend to scream about it. So, I hope you'll check in there occasionally, as well.
xxx
But, let's face it, if someone says she'll help me build a bed/closet complex or an air chair and actually SHOWS UP—well, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do, don't cha know?
A major change just happened in my life which may well result in fewer posts being put up here than was previously the case:
For the last six months or longer I've been approaching one after another person in my community asking for help with some major projects I'm undertaking in my new home. Several people said things like, 'Oh, sure, I'll help you, as soon as ______ [fill in the blank].'
I think we all know what THAT means, right?
A couple of weeks ago, I was reduced to going through the yellow pages and phoning handy-men for estimates. When one quoted me the price of $800.00 to wallpaper 2 walls [that's WALLS, mind you, not ROOMS], I again started talking to people in my neighborhood.
So, last week, when a friend of a friend actually set a date to begin, I held my breath and SHE ACTUALLY FOLLOWED THROUGH! :)
The resulting mural in my living room is stunningly beautiful if I do say so.
She has agreed to help me with several other projects, as well. Another mural, for instance, building a loft-bed-with-closet- underneath [and a staircase for getting into bed], the frame for the air-chair I brought with me [that is still in its box], constructing and filling a 2nd shed, converting the first shed into a workshop, and some major landscaping. You get the picture.So, posts are likely to be thin on the ground for a while.
I hope to keep at least one blog fairly functional even while all these plates are in the air and—most likely—that one will be All that Is.
So, please do drop by http://the-turtles-back.blogspot.com/ and visit Mary Ellen of The Divine Democrat [who is co-hosting] and me.
I imagine if something absolutely outrageous occurs in Washington [and how likely is THAT to happen?] I'll put in an appearance at Preserve, Protect and Defend to scream about it. So, I hope you'll check in there occasionally, as well.
xxx
But, let's face it, if someone says she'll help me build a bed/closet complex or an air chair and actually SHOWS UP—well, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do, don't cha know?
23 June, 2008
Cindy McCain Robot Gets New Head -- by Andy Borowitz
State-of-the-Art Head Stores 2,000 Recipes
"We have the technology."
That was the message out of the McCain camp today as Sen. John McCain unveiled a newly refurbished Cindy McCain robot, featuring a
state-of-the-art replacement head.
While the Cindy McCain robot had been a fixture during the primary campaign, appearing at the senator's side at hundreds of campaign events, a McCain campaign aide went out of his way to indicate that with its newly installed head, the CinBot-9000 was ready "to take it to a whole new level."
"This new head is going to enable the Cindy McCain robot to do things that it could never do before," said McCain aide Davison Matz. "For one thing, it will now be able to talk."
Mr. Davison said that while the robot's previous head had been able to emit simple sentences such as "I've always been proud of my country," the replacement head will have a 400-word vocabulary that will enable the android to simulate human-like speech.
"The robot will be able to talk about the economy as well as Sen. McCain himself," Mr. Davison said.
He also said that the newly improved Cindy McCain robot would have increased data storage, enabling it to store up to 2,000 recipes from a variety of online recipe sites.
Appearing with Sen. McCain at its unveiling, the CinBot-9000's new head appeared virtually identical to the previous one, down to its bleached blonde hair and glassy-eyed stare.
Beaming with pride, the GOP nominee remarked on the new head's resemblance to the old one: "She still plasters her makeup on like a trollop."
^^^
And with a trowel, it looks like.
State-of-the-Art Head Stores 2,000 Recipes
"We have the technology."
That was the message out of the McCain camp today as Sen. John McCain unveiled a newly refurbished Cindy McCain robot, featuring a
state-of-the-art replacement head.
While the Cindy McCain robot had been a fixture during the primary campaign, appearing at the senator's side at hundreds of campaign events, a McCain campaign aide went out of his way to indicate that with its newly installed head, the CinBot-9000 was ready "to take it to a whole new level."
"This new head is going to enable the Cindy McCain robot to do things that it could never do before," said McCain aide Davison Matz. "For one thing, it will now be able to talk."
Mr. Davison said that while the robot's previous head had been able to emit simple sentences such as "I've always been proud of my country," the replacement head will have a 400-word vocabulary that will enable the android to simulate human-like speech.
"The robot will be able to talk about the economy as well as Sen. McCain himself," Mr. Davison said.
He also said that the newly improved Cindy McCain robot would have increased data storage, enabling it to store up to 2,000 recipes from a variety of online recipe sites.
Appearing with Sen. McCain at its unveiling, the CinBot-9000's new head appeared virtually identical to the previous one, down to its bleached blonde hair and glassy-eyed stare.
Beaming with pride, the GOP nominee remarked on the new head's resemblance to the old one: "She still plasters her makeup on like a trollop."
^^^
And with a trowel, it looks like.
16 May, 2008
06 May, 2008
This from the Washington Post
It's About Nothing -- by Dana Milbank
Dispatches from the twilight of a presidency:
7:13 a.m.: The South Lawn. President Bush, determined to dispel doubts about his relevance, grants an early-morning interview to Robin Roberts of ABC News's "Good Morning America." Joined by the first lady, he fields hard-hitting questions about . . . the White House grounds. "It's a beautiful place," the president discloses.
^^^
7:58 a.m.: By e-mail, the White House Communications Office sends out its "Morning Update." It lists two events on Bush's schedule for the entire day: a "Social Dinner in Honor of Cinco de Mayo" and, an hour later, post-dinner entertainment. To react to the main news of the day -- thousands of deaths from the cyclone in Burma -- Bush sends his wife out to make a statement. She criticizes the Burmese government for its failure "to issue a timely warning to citizens in the storm's path" and "to meet its people's basic needs." Reporters, too tactful to draw parallels to New Orleans, quiz her instead about daughter Jenna's wedding. . . .
^^^
12:39 p.m.: The White House Briefing Room. On the podium, the understudy to the understudy to the substitute to the understudy to Bush's first White House press secretary is giving a sparsely attended briefing on what he knows about Burma blocking relief efforts ("I am not aware of that report"). . . .
Eight months before the end of his second term, President Bush is forgotten but not gone. Power has shifted to Congress, attention has moved to the campaign trail, and the White House seems at times to be just going through the motions. For many reporters who remain on the White House beat, it has become a time to phone it in -- literally.
^^^
Click here for the complete text.
<><><>
Now, may Congress use the power it has for good--unlike what it did the other day when it gave big money to farm subsidies while, simultaneously, cutting funding for starving children around the world.
It's About Nothing -- by Dana Milbank
Dispatches from the twilight of a presidency:
7:13 a.m.: The South Lawn. President Bush, determined to dispel doubts about his relevance, grants an early-morning interview to Robin Roberts of ABC News's "Good Morning America." Joined by the first lady, he fields hard-hitting questions about . . . the White House grounds. "It's a beautiful place," the president discloses.
^^^
7:58 a.m.: By e-mail, the White House Communications Office sends out its "Morning Update." It lists two events on Bush's schedule for the entire day: a "Social Dinner in Honor of Cinco de Mayo" and, an hour later, post-dinner entertainment. To react to the main news of the day -- thousands of deaths from the cyclone in Burma -- Bush sends his wife out to make a statement. She criticizes the Burmese government for its failure "to issue a timely warning to citizens in the storm's path" and "to meet its people's basic needs." Reporters, too tactful to draw parallels to New Orleans, quiz her instead about daughter Jenna's wedding. . . .
^^^
12:39 p.m.: The White House Briefing Room. On the podium, the understudy to the understudy to the substitute to the understudy to Bush's first White House press secretary is giving a sparsely attended briefing on what he knows about Burma blocking relief efforts ("I am not aware of that report"). . . .
Eight months before the end of his second term, President Bush is forgotten but not gone. Power has shifted to Congress, attention has moved to the campaign trail, and the White House seems at times to be just going through the motions. For many reporters who remain on the White House beat, it has become a time to phone it in -- literally.
^^^
Click here for the complete text.
<><><>
Now, may Congress use the power it has for good--unlike what it did the other day when it gave big money to farm subsidies while, simultaneously, cutting funding for starving children around the world.
11 April, 2008
Saint Shrub
President George W. Bush was scheduled to visit the Episcopal Church in NW Washington as part of his campaign to restore his 28% approval rating in the polls. Karl Rove made a visit to the Bishop and said, "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity because of the President's position on stem cell research, the Iraq war, Hurricane Katrina, and the VA Hospitals. But, we'll make a $500,000 contribution to your church if during your sermon you will say that the President is a saint.
The Bishop thought it over for a few moments and finally said, "The Church could really use the money - I'll do it."
The following Sunday, President Bush showed up for the sermon, and the Bishop began: "I'd like to speak to all of you this morning about our President, George Bush. He is a liar, a cheat, and a low-intelligence weasel. He took the tragedy of September 11 and used it to frighten and manipulate the American people. He lied about weapons of mass destruction and invaded Iraq for oil and money, causing the deaths of tens of thousands and making the United States the most hated nation on earth. He appointed cronies to positions of power and influence, leading to widespread death and destruction during Hurricane Katrina. He awarded contracts and tax cuts to his rich friends so that we now have more poverty in this country and a greater gap between rich and poor than we've had since the Depression."
"He has headed the most corrupt, bribe-inducing political party since Teapot Dome Scandal. "The national surplus has turned into a staggering national debt of 7.6 trillion Dollars, gas prices are up 85%, which the people of America cannot afford, and vital research into global warming and stem cells is stopped cold because he's afraid to lose votes from the religious right."
"He is the worst example of a true Christian I've ever known. But compared to Dick Cheney, George W. Bush is a saint."
The Bishop thought it over for a few moments and finally said, "The Church could really use the money - I'll do it."
The following Sunday, President Bush showed up for the sermon, and the Bishop began: "I'd like to speak to all of you this morning about our President, George Bush. He is a liar, a cheat, and a low-intelligence weasel. He took the tragedy of September 11 and used it to frighten and manipulate the American people. He lied about weapons of mass destruction and invaded Iraq for oil and money, causing the deaths of tens of thousands and making the United States the most hated nation on earth. He appointed cronies to positions of power and influence, leading to widespread death and destruction during Hurricane Katrina. He awarded contracts and tax cuts to his rich friends so that we now have more poverty in this country and a greater gap between rich and poor than we've had since the Depression."
"He has headed the most corrupt, bribe-inducing political party since Teapot Dome Scandal. "The national surplus has turned into a staggering national debt of 7.6 trillion Dollars, gas prices are up 85%, which the people of America cannot afford, and vital research into global warming and stem cells is stopped cold because he's afraid to lose votes from the religious right."
"He is the worst example of a true Christian I've ever known. But compared to Dick Cheney, George W. Bush is a saint."
09 April, 2008
Hello, All--
My abrupt departure was occasioned by the death of my mother.
It wasn't really a surprise although we'd been lulled into a false sense of security, I suppose.
She'd had Alzheimer's Disease for many years so we knew it was only a matter of time.
But, on the other hand, her hospice nurse had told me just a week and a half before her death that she was walking daily [with help], hoarding food [a common occurrence among Alzheimer's patients] and taking her baby doll with her everywhere. So, when the end came, it did feel pretty sudden.
At that, I believe she did my sister and me a favor.
I'm not one who hankers for the bedside vigil, myself. I've done it with people outside my family and what it boils down to, for me, is sitting by the bed feeling helpless. My mother spared us that. She departed while my sister and I were both in airplanes with our phones turned off.
By the time we got to her home, she had been cleaned up and did look to be sleeping. Yes, I expected her to open her eyes and say, 'What are you all staring at?'
My abrupt departure was occasioned by the death of my mother.
It wasn't really a surprise although we'd been lulled into a false sense of security, I suppose.
She'd had Alzheimer's Disease for many years so we knew it was only a matter of time.
But, on the other hand, her hospice nurse had told me just a week and a half before her death that she was walking daily [with help], hoarding food [a common occurrence among Alzheimer's patients] and taking her baby doll with her everywhere. So, when the end came, it did feel pretty sudden.
At that, I believe she did my sister and me a favor.
I'm not one who hankers for the bedside vigil, myself. I've done it with people outside my family and what it boils down to, for me, is sitting by the bed feeling helpless. My mother spared us that. She departed while my sister and I were both in airplanes with our phones turned off.
By the time we got to her home, she had been cleaned up and did look to be sleeping. Yes, I expected her to open her eyes and say, 'What are you all staring at?'
03 April, 2008
Market Tumbles on News That Bush Is Still President
White House Appearance ‘A Painful Reminder,’ Experts Say
by Andy Borowitz
President George W. Bush used a Rose Garden appearance today to reassure investors that he was at the helm of the U.S. economy, causing stock markets to plummet around the world.
“You don’t have to worry about this economy, because I am in charge of it,” said Mr. Bush, touching off what some observers were calling a global financial panic.
Mr. Bush began his remarks about the economy at 10:30 A.M. eastern time, and by 10:31 markets around the world had already gone into a perilous free-fall.
According to Wall Street insiders, the markets were responding to the news that Mr. Bush was still president.
“Over the last few weeks, the markets have absorbed the news of the subprime crisis, the housing meltdown, and the Bear Stearns failure,” said Logan Teasdale of Citigroup. “But the news that President Bush is still president was too much for the markets to shrug off.”
Over the past few months, Mr. Teasdale said, traders have tried hard to forget that Mr. Bush was still president, but his White House remarks today were “a painful reminder.”
At the Federal Reserve, Fed chairman Ben Bernanke huddled with central bankers to find a way to calm the markets rattled by Mr. Bush’s alarming appearance.
One solution reportedly being pondered by the Fed would involve sending Mr. Bush to Disney World for the remainder of his time in office.
Elsewhere, in his first comment on the Eliot Spitzer scandal, Vice President Dick Cheney said he has never hired a prostitute because “I’ve been screwing the country the last seven years.”
White House Appearance ‘A Painful Reminder,’ Experts Say
by Andy Borowitz
President George W. Bush used a Rose Garden appearance today to reassure investors that he was at the helm of the U.S. economy, causing stock markets to plummet around the world.
“You don’t have to worry about this economy, because I am in charge of it,” said Mr. Bush, touching off what some observers were calling a global financial panic.
Mr. Bush began his remarks about the economy at 10:30 A.M. eastern time, and by 10:31 markets around the world had already gone into a perilous free-fall.
According to Wall Street insiders, the markets were responding to the news that Mr. Bush was still president.
“Over the last few weeks, the markets have absorbed the news of the subprime crisis, the housing meltdown, and the Bear Stearns failure,” said Logan Teasdale of Citigroup. “But the news that President Bush is still president was too much for the markets to shrug off.”
Over the past few months, Mr. Teasdale said, traders have tried hard to forget that Mr. Bush was still president, but his White House remarks today were “a painful reminder.”
At the Federal Reserve, Fed chairman Ben Bernanke huddled with central bankers to find a way to calm the markets rattled by Mr. Bush’s alarming appearance.
One solution reportedly being pondered by the Fed would involve sending Mr. Bush to Disney World for the remainder of his time in office.
Elsewhere, in his first comment on the Eliot Spitzer scandal, Vice President Dick Cheney said he has never hired a prostitute because “I’ve been screwing the country the last seven years.”
27 March, 2008
25 March, 2008
01 March, 2008
28 February, 2008
This from the Borowitz Report:
Cash-rich Obama Buys Yahoo
Outbids Microsoft for Internet Giant
Flush with cash after a deluge of online donations, Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill) stunned the business world today by outbidding Microsoft for the Internet giant Yahoo.
The purchase of Yahoo is believed to be the largest acquisition of a multibillion-dollar company ever by a Democratic presidential candidate, industry experts said.
A spokesman for Microsoft at the company’s Redmond, Washington headquarters acknowledged that the company was “disappointed” to lose Yahoo to Sen. Obama, but added, “We can’t really be mad at him, because we love him so.”
The news of Sen. Obama’s $48 billion offer for Yahoo sent a shudder through Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY)’s campaign, which for the past six weeks has been subsisting on Ramen noodles.
In his televised debate in Cleveland, Ohio with Sen. Clinton, Sen. Obama said that he was able to purchase Yahoo because his campaign was reaping online donations averaging $1.8 billion a day.
Mr. Obama also offered to “personally hire” 2 million Ohioans to do odd jobs around his campaign headquarters.
“People say, can we really come up with enough errands for 2 million Ohioans to do?” he said. “Yes we can.”
Massachusetts governor Deval Patrick praised Sen. Obama’s plan, telling reporters, “His campaign is more than just words, he is offering people a real opportunity to go on a Starbucks run.”
Sen. Obama later added, “My campaign is more than just words, I am offering people a real opportunity to go on a Starbucks run.”
Elsewhere, President Bush said that the economy was not in a recession, leading economists to conclude that the economy was in a recession.
Cash-rich Obama Buys Yahoo
Outbids Microsoft for Internet Giant
Flush with cash after a deluge of online donations, Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill) stunned the business world today by outbidding Microsoft for the Internet giant Yahoo.
The purchase of Yahoo is believed to be the largest acquisition of a multibillion-dollar company ever by a Democratic presidential candidate, industry experts said.
A spokesman for Microsoft at the company’s Redmond, Washington headquarters acknowledged that the company was “disappointed” to lose Yahoo to Sen. Obama, but added, “We can’t really be mad at him, because we love him so.”
The news of Sen. Obama’s $48 billion offer for Yahoo sent a shudder through Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY)’s campaign, which for the past six weeks has been subsisting on Ramen noodles.
In his televised debate in Cleveland, Ohio with Sen. Clinton, Sen. Obama said that he was able to purchase Yahoo because his campaign was reaping online donations averaging $1.8 billion a day.
Mr. Obama also offered to “personally hire” 2 million Ohioans to do odd jobs around his campaign headquarters.
“People say, can we really come up with enough errands for 2 million Ohioans to do?” he said. “Yes we can.”
Massachusetts governor Deval Patrick praised Sen. Obama’s plan, telling reporters, “His campaign is more than just words, he is offering people a real opportunity to go on a Starbucks run.”
Sen. Obama later added, “My campaign is more than just words, I am offering people a real opportunity to go on a Starbucks run.”
Elsewhere, President Bush said that the economy was not in a recession, leading economists to conclude that the economy was in a recession.
04 February, 2008
01 February, 2008
This from the Onion:
Area Eccentric Reads Entire Book
January 19, 2008
GREENWOOD, IN—Sitting in a quiet downtown diner, local hospital administrator Philip Meyer
looks as normal and well-adjusted as can be. Yet, there's more to this 27-year-old than first meets the eye: Meyer has recently finished reading a book.
Yes, the whole thing.
Area Eccentric Reads Entire Book
January 19, 2008
GREENWOOD, IN—Sitting in a quiet downtown diner, local hospital administrator Philip Meyer
looks as normal and well-adjusted as can be. Yet, there's more to this 27-year-old than first meets the eye: Meyer has recently finished reading a book.
Yes, the whole thing.
Click here for the complete text.
30 January, 2008
28 January, 2008
Recycling Mostly Air. Not anymore!
Back when I was selling the KC house, I held out to be able to take my high quality can-crusher with me. Of course, if I’d been thinking clearly I’d have taken it off the wall before putting the house on the market in the first place. But as anyone who was around at the time is fully aware, I was NOT thinking clearly. [fwiw—if ANYONE who undertook a home-sale-and-cross-country-move was thinking clearly they simply wouldn’t do it—right?]Where was I—oh yeah:
So, after I got somewhat settled in, I looked around and couldn’t find my drill bits. Okay, no problem, they ‘ll surface—right? Wrong.
Well, I WAS NOT going to out and buy new ones. If I did that every time they went missing, there’d be no point in recycling in the first place except to replace the resources I’d wasted by being so absent minded. I held out and, yesterday, I FOUND EM!
So, today I finally got the drill bits, the power drill, the level, 3 large screws and the can crusher all into one room at the same time—and all it took was 10 months and 2 weeks. The can-crusher is now mounted on the wall. The tools are put away [and, this time, I know where I put the bits]. The aluminum cans that had previously FILLED a fairly large plastic shopping bag now take up about 1/8 of the space in said bag.
Now, a word of warning here:
If anyone who comments on this piece resorts to giggling, chuckling, snortling, guffawing or pointing and snickering when I reveal the fact that the drill bits were in a toolbox in the laundry room [the room I mounted the can-crusher in and where it has been residing just waiting to be installed for most of those 10+ months] their comment will be summarily deleted—
just sayin. :)
26 January, 2008
All together now, 'Awwwwwwwwwww'
This came to me via email. While I can't swear it isn't photoshopped, I like to believe it is real. :)
21 January, 2008
The Politics Thickens
Edwards Blasts Obama for Criticizing Hillary’s Claim That Obama Criticized Edwards
-- by Andy Borowitz
Iowans Confused By Charges, Countercharges, Counter-countercharges
An already perplexing Iowa race became even more impenetrable today as former Sen. John Edwards blasted Sen. Barack Obama for criticizing Sen. Hillary Clinton’s claim that Sen. Obama had criticized Sen. Edwards.
At a campaign rally in Cedar Rapids, the former North Carolina senator said that the Illinois senator’s criticism of the New York senator for claiming that the Illinois senator had criticized the North Carolina senator was “an attempt to confuse the voters.”
Mr. Edwards’ comments set off a new round of charges, countercharges, and counter-countercharges between the three Democratic rivals, with Sen. Obama lashing out at Sen. Clinton for supporting Mr. Edwards’ criticism of Sen. Obama’s criticism of Sen. Clinton.
In a particularly nasty remark, Mr. Obama called Mr. Edwards a son of a mill worker, “but not in so many words.”
Davis Logsdon, chairman of the political science department at the University of Minnesota, says that the Edwards-Obama-Clinton battle royal may be contributing to Iowa voters’ fatigue: “Without a doubt, the Iowa caucuses are turning into the grossest three-way in history.”
New polls taken after the latest volleys and counter-volleys between the three candidates were inconclusive, as a majority of Iowans polled said they were “totally sick of being polled.”
With less than a week to go before the Iowa caucuses, 61% of likely voters agreed with the statement, “If one more stupid pollster asks me one more retarded question I swear I will go postal on his ass, I am not kidding.”
***
I'll bet this is pretty accurate -- even if it is a satire. And we've got 11 more months of this insanity. Oh, well, if we get a non-repulican president and congress out of it, it'll all have been worth it. :)
-- by Andy Borowitz
Iowans Confused By Charges, Countercharges, Counter-countercharges
An already perplexing Iowa race became even more impenetrable today as former Sen. John Edwards blasted Sen. Barack Obama for criticizing Sen. Hillary Clinton’s claim that Sen. Obama had criticized Sen. Edwards.
At a campaign rally in Cedar Rapids, the former North Carolina senator said that the Illinois senator’s criticism of the New York senator for claiming that the Illinois senator had criticized the North Carolina senator was “an attempt to confuse the voters.”
Mr. Edwards’ comments set off a new round of charges, countercharges, and counter-countercharges between the three Democratic rivals, with Sen. Obama lashing out at Sen. Clinton for supporting Mr. Edwards’ criticism of Sen. Obama’s criticism of Sen. Clinton.
In a particularly nasty remark, Mr. Obama called Mr. Edwards a son of a mill worker, “but not in so many words.”
Davis Logsdon, chairman of the political science department at the University of Minnesota, says that the Edwards-Obama-Clinton battle royal may be contributing to Iowa voters’ fatigue: “Without a doubt, the Iowa caucuses are turning into the grossest three-way in history.”
New polls taken after the latest volleys and counter-volleys between the three candidates were inconclusive, as a majority of Iowans polled said they were “totally sick of being polled.”
With less than a week to go before the Iowa caucuses, 61% of likely voters agreed with the statement, “If one more stupid pollster asks me one more retarded question I swear I will go postal on his ass, I am not kidding.”
***
I'll bet this is pretty accurate -- even if it is a satire. And we've got 11 more months of this insanity. Oh, well, if we get a non-repulican president and congress out of it, it'll all have been worth it. :)
16 January, 2008
Bush Backs Phased Redeployment. . . of Congress
By Don Davis
Ushering in a new era of “Bye-Partisanship,” President Bush today announced his plan for Congressional withdrawal, in which Democrats would gradually be redeployed to points outside the Beltway.
click here for the article
:)
Ushering in a new era of “Bye-Partisanship,” President Bush today announced his plan for Congressional withdrawal, in which Democrats would gradually be redeployed to points outside the Beltway.
click here for the article
:)
10 January, 2008
My Living Will
I, Two Crows, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers / doctors interested in simply running up the bills.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:
Chocolate
Hamburger with onions
Malt w/ Whipped cream
French Fries
southern comfort manhatten
Pizza
Ice Cream
Chocolate
Cafe Mocha Latte
Chocolate
Sex
... it should be presumed that I won't ever get better.
When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, and turn out the lights - - -
"The party's over!!!"
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