See more Demetri Martin videos at Funny or Die
30 June, 2008
29 June, 2008
The Ghost in Love
Book Review
The ghost was in love with a woman named German Landis. Just hearing that arresting,
peculiar name would have made the ghost's heart flutter if it had had one. She was coming over in less than an hour, so it was hurrying now to make everything ready. The ghost was a very good cook, sometimes a great one. If it'd spent more time at it or had more interest in the subject, it would have been exceptional.
From its large bed in a corner of the kitchen a mixed-breed, black-and-oatmeal-colored dog watched with great interest as the ghost prepared the meal. This mutt was the only reason that German Landis was coming here today. His name was Pilot, after a poem the woman loved about a Seeing Eye dog.
Suddenly sensing something, the ghost stopped what it was doing and eyeballed the dog. Peevishly, it demanded "What?"
Pilot shook his head. "Nothing. I was only watching you work."
"Liar. That is not the only thing. I know what you were thinking: that I'm an idiot to be doing this."
Embarrassed, the dog turned away and began furiously biting one of its rear paws.
"Don't do that. Look at me. You think I'm nuts, don't you?"
Pilot said nothing and kept biting his foot.
"Don't you?"
"Yes, I think you're nuts, but I also think it's very sweet. I only wish she could see what you're doing for her."
Resigned, the ghost shrugged and sighed. "It helps when I cook. When my mind is focused, I don't get so frustrated."
"I understand."
"No, you do not. How could you? You're only a dog."
The dog rolled his eyes. "Idiot."
"Quadruped."
They had a cordial relationship. Like Icelandic or Finnish, "Dog" is spoken by very few. Only dogs and dead people understand the language. When Pilot wanted to talk, he either had to get in a quick chat with whatever canine he happened to meet on the street when he was taken out for a walk three times a day, or he spoke with this ghost—who, by attrition, knew more about Pilot now than any dog had ever known. There aren't that many human ghosts in the land of the living so this one was equally happy for the dog's company.
Pilot asked, "I kept meaning to ask: Where did you get your name?"
The cook purposely ignored the dog's question and continued preparing the meal. When it needed an ingredient, it closed its eyes and held out an open hand. A moment later the thing materialized in the middle of its palm: a jungle-green lime, a small pile of red cayenne pepper, or a particularly rare saffron from Sri Lanks. Pilot watched, absorbed, never tiring of this amazing feat.
"What if you imagined an elephant? Would it appear in your hand too?"
Dicing onions now almost faster than the eye could see, the ghost grinned. "If I had a big enough hand, yes."
The ghost was in love with a woman named German Landis. Just hearing that arresting,
peculiar name would have made the ghost's heart flutter if it had had one. She was coming over in less than an hour, so it was hurrying now to make everything ready. The ghost was a very good cook, sometimes a great one. If it'd spent more time at it or had more interest in the subject, it would have been exceptional.From its large bed in a corner of the kitchen a mixed-breed, black-and-oatmeal-colored dog watched with great interest as the ghost prepared the meal. This mutt was the only reason that German Landis was coming here today. His name was Pilot, after a poem the woman loved about a Seeing Eye dog.
Suddenly sensing something, the ghost stopped what it was doing and eyeballed the dog. Peevishly, it demanded "What?"
Pilot shook his head. "Nothing. I was only watching you work."
"Liar. That is not the only thing. I know what you were thinking: that I'm an idiot to be doing this."
Embarrassed, the dog turned away and began furiously biting one of its rear paws.
"Don't do that. Look at me. You think I'm nuts, don't you?"
Pilot said nothing and kept biting his foot.
"Don't you?"
"Yes, I think you're nuts, but I also think it's very sweet. I only wish she could see what you're doing for her."
Resigned, the ghost shrugged and sighed. "It helps when I cook. When my mind is focused, I don't get so frustrated."
"I understand."
"No, you do not. How could you? You're only a dog."
The dog rolled his eyes. "Idiot."
"Quadruped."
They had a cordial relationship. Like Icelandic or Finnish, "Dog" is spoken by very few. Only dogs and dead people understand the language. When Pilot wanted to talk, he either had to get in a quick chat with whatever canine he happened to meet on the street when he was taken out for a walk three times a day, or he spoke with this ghost—who, by attrition, knew more about Pilot now than any dog had ever known. There aren't that many human ghosts in the land of the living so this one was equally happy for the dog's company.
Pilot asked, "I kept meaning to ask: Where did you get your name?"
The cook purposely ignored the dog's question and continued preparing the meal. When it needed an ingredient, it closed its eyes and held out an open hand. A moment later the thing materialized in the middle of its palm: a jungle-green lime, a small pile of red cayenne pepper, or a particularly rare saffron from Sri Lanks. Pilot watched, absorbed, never tiring of this amazing feat.
"What if you imagined an elephant? Would it appear in your hand too?"
Dicing onions now almost faster than the eye could see, the ghost grinned. "If I had a big enough hand, yes."
26 June, 2008
25 June, 2008
Hey, folks--
A major change just happened in my life which may well result in fewer posts being put up here than was previously the case:
For the last six months or longer I've been approaching one after another person in my community asking for help with some major projects I'm undertaking in my new home. Several people said things like, 'Oh, sure, I'll help you, as soon as ______ [fill in the blank].'
I think we all know what THAT means, right?
A couple of weeks ago, I was reduced to going through the yellow pages and phoning handy-men for estimates. When one quoted me the price of $800.00 to wallpaper 2 walls [that's WALLS, mind you, not ROOMS], I again started talking to people in my neighborhood.
So, last week, when a friend of a friend actually set a date to begin, I held my breath and SHE ACTUALLY FOLLOWED THROUGH! :)
The resulting mural in my living room is stunningly beautiful if I do say so.
She has agreed to help me with several other projects, as well. Another mural, for instance, building a loft-bed-with-closet- underneath [and a staircase for getting into bed], the frame for the air-chair I brought with me [that is still in its box], constructing and filling a 2nd shed, converting the first shed into a workshop, and some major landscaping. You get the picture.
So, posts are likely to be thin on the ground for a while.
I hope to keep at least one blog fairly functional even while all these plates are in the air and—most likely—that one will be All that Is.
So, please do drop by http://the-turtles-back.blogspot.com/ and visit Mary Ellen of The Divine Democrat [who is co-hosting] and me.
I imagine if something absolutely outrageous occurs in Washington [and how likely is THAT to happen?] I'll put in an appearance at Preserve, Protect and Defend to scream about it. So, I hope you'll check in there occasionally, as well.
xxx
But, let's face it, if someone says she'll help me build a bed/closet complex or an air chair and actually SHOWS UP—well, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do, don't cha know?
A major change just happened in my life which may well result in fewer posts being put up here than was previously the case:
For the last six months or longer I've been approaching one after another person in my community asking for help with some major projects I'm undertaking in my new home. Several people said things like, 'Oh, sure, I'll help you, as soon as ______ [fill in the blank].'
I think we all know what THAT means, right?
A couple of weeks ago, I was reduced to going through the yellow pages and phoning handy-men for estimates. When one quoted me the price of $800.00 to wallpaper 2 walls [that's WALLS, mind you, not ROOMS], I again started talking to people in my neighborhood.
So, last week, when a friend of a friend actually set a date to begin, I held my breath and SHE ACTUALLY FOLLOWED THROUGH! :)
The resulting mural in my living room is stunningly beautiful if I do say so.
She has agreed to help me with several other projects, as well. Another mural, for instance, building a loft-bed-with-closet- underneath [and a staircase for getting into bed], the frame for the air-chair I brought with me [that is still in its box], constructing and filling a 2nd shed, converting the first shed into a workshop, and some major landscaping. You get the picture.So, posts are likely to be thin on the ground for a while.
I hope to keep at least one blog fairly functional even while all these plates are in the air and—most likely—that one will be All that Is.
So, please do drop by http://the-turtles-back.blogspot.com/ and visit Mary Ellen of The Divine Democrat [who is co-hosting] and me.
I imagine if something absolutely outrageous occurs in Washington [and how likely is THAT to happen?] I'll put in an appearance at Preserve, Protect and Defend to scream about it. So, I hope you'll check in there occasionally, as well.
xxx
But, let's face it, if someone says she'll help me build a bed/closet complex or an air chair and actually SHOWS UP—well, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do, don't cha know?
23 June, 2008
Cindy McCain Robot Gets New Head -- by Andy Borowitz
State-of-the-Art Head Stores 2,000 Recipes
"We have the technology."
That was the message out of the McCain camp today as Sen. John McCain unveiled a newly refurbished Cindy McCain robot, featuring a
state-of-the-art replacement head.
While the Cindy McCain robot had been a fixture during the primary campaign, appearing at the senator's side at hundreds of campaign events, a McCain campaign aide went out of his way to indicate that with its newly installed head, the CinBot-9000 was ready "to take it to a whole new level."
"This new head is going to enable the Cindy McCain robot to do things that it could never do before," said McCain aide Davison Matz. "For one thing, it will now be able to talk."
Mr. Davison said that while the robot's previous head had been able to emit simple sentences such as "I've always been proud of my country," the replacement head will have a 400-word vocabulary that will enable the android to simulate human-like speech.
"The robot will be able to talk about the economy as well as Sen. McCain himself," Mr. Davison said.
He also said that the newly improved Cindy McCain robot would have increased data storage, enabling it to store up to 2,000 recipes from a variety of online recipe sites.
Appearing with Sen. McCain at its unveiling, the CinBot-9000's new head appeared virtually identical to the previous one, down to its bleached blonde hair and glassy-eyed stare.
Beaming with pride, the GOP nominee remarked on the new head's resemblance to the old one: "She still plasters her makeup on like a trollop."
^^^
And with a trowel, it looks like.
State-of-the-Art Head Stores 2,000 Recipes
"We have the technology."
That was the message out of the McCain camp today as Sen. John McCain unveiled a newly refurbished Cindy McCain robot, featuring a
state-of-the-art replacement head.
While the Cindy McCain robot had been a fixture during the primary campaign, appearing at the senator's side at hundreds of campaign events, a McCain campaign aide went out of his way to indicate that with its newly installed head, the CinBot-9000 was ready "to take it to a whole new level."
"This new head is going to enable the Cindy McCain robot to do things that it could never do before," said McCain aide Davison Matz. "For one thing, it will now be able to talk."
Mr. Davison said that while the robot's previous head had been able to emit simple sentences such as "I've always been proud of my country," the replacement head will have a 400-word vocabulary that will enable the android to simulate human-like speech.
"The robot will be able to talk about the economy as well as Sen. McCain himself," Mr. Davison said.
He also said that the newly improved Cindy McCain robot would have increased data storage, enabling it to store up to 2,000 recipes from a variety of online recipe sites.
Appearing with Sen. McCain at its unveiling, the CinBot-9000's new head appeared virtually identical to the previous one, down to its bleached blonde hair and glassy-eyed stare.
Beaming with pride, the GOP nominee remarked on the new head's resemblance to the old one: "She still plasters her makeup on like a trollop."
^^^
And with a trowel, it looks like.
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